Birds of a Feather Buffet Together: Social Eating Thoughts
I once told a very stressed out friend that I could no longer hang out with her if she didn’t like eating anymore. I was joking to cheer her up (sort of) but hoped that she would feel better quickly and join me at the fro-yo buffet. Usually I feel uncomfortable around people who don’t enjoy food–there is something so human and social about meal sharing that can’t be separated from who I am, and this leads to problems for me when it comes to mindful eating. How we relate to food affects how we relate to people and vice versa since it is so omnipresent in our lives. It is usually easier to overindulge when I am not eating alone. Making the right choices for myself as an individual gets fuzzy when made in the context of a group, a relationship, or at a social event.
Food gifting
At the hospital where I work we are constantly receiving food in the form of gifts from bosses, coworkers, vendors, and even families of the patients we serve. At home I tend to receive presents in the form of treats on holidays, as well as the random donation from a well-meaning family member who wants to share their bounty. I never want to appear rude, and usually the food is well received and tasty. There is however a sense of obligation to finish it off, and an increased aversion to wastefulness when the food isn’t just food, but also represents a relationship in my life.
Special Events
Similar to food gifts, parties and holidays bring chances to bond over gorgeous cheese platters and alluring colorful confections. I look forward to times of celebration with loved ones—and the uninhibited behavior that comes along with them. It is so easy to graze, sip, and sample my way into a bloated coma and find myself waking from a party nap feeling greasy. I let peer pressure sway me:
“Just try one…these are the best. I made them myself!”
“Have you eaten? Yes? Well at least have a small plate or take some to go.”
“It’s my birthday and I want everyone to have a lamb shank.”
When hosting I try to provide the most delicious things I can think of to serve my guests, and sometimes this is a cake covered in toffee (a baby shower MUST!) or mushrooms stuffed with cream cheese.
Let’s Do Lunch
Going to lunch is like my favorite thing, and I’m usually the one to suggest it. This is an excuse to eat whatever I want while catching up with friends. I don’t have a personal Facebook account for multiple reasons, and having to meet over pork so my friends can remember what I look like is one of them. It’s like a conspiratory meeting where calories don’t count but hugs do, and everyone is in collusion.
Happy fat
This is the idea that when life is going well for you indulgent behavior sets in, such as when you find love and settle into the domestic bliss of eating nachos in bed next to the best thing that ever happened to you. The Hubs and I are sooo bad for each other in this way, and have been for most of the last 25 years. If he gets himself a pudding cup (or a street taco, or a foot long sub) I get one too. I ask him every night what he wants to eat for dinner rather than just making what I know I should eat. We love canoodling over noodles. What can I say? He completes me. And he was there giving me googly eyes (is it supposed to be goo-goo eyes?) while I completed the extra 40lbs I have gained since we met.
The truth is that he will love me even if I eat iceberg lettuce and rye crisps for the rest of my life, and I him. My friends wouldn’t be friends if our relationship was based on waffles alone. Family gatherings CAN be done with slightly less butter involved.
There is nothing inherently wrong with sharing delicious food with great company. It is one of the cornerstones of human social interaction. The role we play when giving, receiving, or sharing food likely has something to do with what our ancestors were doing when they gathered berries together or shared a big hunting kill. Modern American life has become so much less communal, which leads to some confusion over the way social pleasure factors into what and when we eat. There are probably more hierarchical nuances going on than most of us want to think about when splitting the happy hour check. Maybe instead of getting together for the sake of eating it is the other way around—we are making the excuse to be together under the guise of special food. Am I secretly afraid no one will love me if I don’t pay them off with snacks? Will no one hang out unless tater tots are around?
No matter how much I love food, I love the people in my life even more. Sometimes we will gather together over rich food, and sometimes it can be done with more sensible fare, or during a long walk instead. If they’re cool they’ll understand they won’t always be offered dessert.